In the Moment

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Before I begin, I want to be sure that it is VERY clear that I love my husband dearly, and that the purpose of this post is NOT to put him down. It’s a chance for me to “model” what I try to do when life lets me down.

The Backstory

In May, I made a major career change that has left me with a lot of uncertainties and insecurites. Lately, things have been coming to a bit of a head, and I find myself having trouble sleeping. My husband and I were talking about it, and he asked how he could help. I have learned enough in my life to know two things:

  1. When a man offers to help, he usually wants to help.
  2. If I’m not specific, he won’t get the message.

It’s just the difference between men and women.

So, I told him that I really could use help cleaning the house and getting some chicken put up that’s been waiting for me to repackage it for a couple of days. There. Clear, concise — exactly what a man needs.

We both knew when he asked this question that he had to work this weekend, but it was a couple of hours before he was going to have to get started. So, I assumed that he was going to buckle down and tear through the house. He moved one load of laundry around, sat down, and watched YouTube until it was time for him to log in from home.

My Reaction

I don’t think it’s dawned on my husband yet — he’s pretty distracted with his work project right now. I’m kind of hurt. I feel like he implied a promise and then broke it.

On the other hand, he works hard (as do I) and we both know that he needs more down time than I do, and that his down time needs to feel like play. (I prefer moving on to another project.)

Fortunately, I recoginized I had a choice, or I would have gone with my kneejerk reaction to cry, raise my voice, and let him know how disappointed and frustrated I am — after all, we had just discussed how stressed out I am, I told him how he could help, and he failed.

Since I didn’t take choice number 1, I have avoided a fight (at least for now).

Future Choices

I would love to say that I know I can keep my mouth shut and let it fester, keep my mouth shut and shrug it off, or talk to him about it when he’s not so busy and distracted — and that I choose to just shrug it off. In the end, it’s not a big deal, and I always seem to get the most important stuff done, anyway. Then, I can observe to see if things really are out of balance in our relationship and in our home duties, and have a rational discussion if it’s needed.

Unfortunately, I prove all the time exactly how human I am. I may not be able to let it go. Because I have been in abusive relationships and because of other experiences in my life, feeling like other people are dumping on me is a BIG DEAL. If I try to “just not say anything,” it may just fester and blow up later.

My Real Choice

Because I want to learn how to shrug the inconsequential stuff off, I’m going to try to let it go. But, being aware of my weaknesses, I’m going to monitor myself. If it turns out I can’t let it go, then I will talk to him later this evening or sometime tomorrow when it’s more appropriate so that we’re both aware of what’s been bopping around inside my head.

Because I’ve married an amazing man, I expect that if I approach him with some respect, I’ll receive respect in return, and we’ll work things out.

No, it won’t be the end of all of our problems and glitches in our marriage. But, it will still be a great marriage. In fact, one of the best indicators of a good marriage is the maturity level of both spouses. Total lack of conflict is a danger sign.

Keeping Sidewalks Clean

SidewalkBlock2As I runner, I have a love-hate relationship with sidewalks. When they aren’t all broken up because they haven’t been properly maintained or cluttered with trash and yard debris (often looking just about like the picture I put at the beginning of this post), they are the safest place for me to run in my little suburb. Since I don’t want to be a danger to myself or others, I try to use the sidewalks.

However, there seem to be some people who live in houses on my regular route who are oblivious to the idea of pedestrians. They trim the yard and prune the trees — and leave the mess right in the middle of the sidewalk, making it impassable. I’m always looking ahead to see where I need to step back out into the road and trying to judge if it’s safer just to run on the street facing into oncoming traffic.

Even more fun is when I’ve made the decision that the street is actually safer, and I have drivers try to run me off the road to “prove” that I should be on the sidewalk.

I’ve been in a highly reflective mood lately, and so I saw an object lesson in all of this: In what ways in life am I like clueless residents who clutter their sidewalks, and in what ways am I like the drivers who will endanger my safety to prove a point?

Cluttering Sidewalks

I think this boils down to habits and patterns that may seem normal to me, but make life harder on others. As a parent, it could be trying to hard to “make” my child behave perfectly, achieve good grades, or reach some other standard that I have set for them. As a friend, it could be venting to a friend and letting it turn into gossip rather than an attempt to get my head on straight. Anything that I do that could encourage someone else to live down to the lower common denominators of society is blocking their sidewalks as they journey to become their best selves.

Driving Rashly

Rude drivers have judged me to be infringing on their rights and priveleges, to be acting out of bounds, and to be unaware of my “place” and my surroundings. How many times have I, secretly or openly, judged another person because their choices and actions look unintelligent to me? How many times should I have given the benefit of the doubt when I did not? How many times have I told people what they should do without understanding where they are coming from or what they are trying to accomplish? That makes me figuratively just like a rude driver.

Perfection

I’m not writing this to suggest that anyone can get through life without receiving and giving a few bumps and bruises. No matter how good our intentions, “pobody’s nerfect,” as a college professor used to regularly remind me.

I think, instead, that the best I (or anyone else) can do is to try to be aware of the effect that I am having on others and do my best to make those encounters as uplifting and positive as possible.

If You’re Still Angry

still angry

I’m not so certain that I would call this a “cute relationship,” but the rest of the idea suits my thoughts just fine. It illustrates a point of human nature that really should be pondered by each person.

You see, it really is true that, if you are still angry, you’re not over it. 

For me, that’s a harsh reality. It means I still haven’t fully made peace with the wreckage that I called my first marriage. I still have hurts that need to be healed from the choices that someone made three or four years ago that ended up tearing up a large portion of my heart and mind as “collateral damage.” It also means that I still have to come to grips with how a boss handled a “situation” with me.

It’s not so much that I spend a lot of time thinking about any of these people and events, nor am I really all that mad anymore. I just feel irritation and disappointment when memories pop up out of nowhere or I am in close range of the person in question.

As I’ve stopped to wonder why and to see if I can do anything more to leave the past buried in the past, here’s what I’ve personally found:

I still feel like justice hasn’t fully been served. — In those times when I feel the hurt trying well up inside of me again, I can tell it’s because I feel that things were so unfair (and they were, to a large degree), and that I never fully was repaid by justice. If I were to allow myself to continue the thought patterns, I would begin to thirst for revenge.

Thankfully, I have learned that justice is served more often that I think. Because I have tried to find healthy ways to deal with hurts and set backs in my life and because I have tried to spend my time in positive pursuits, I have gained a lot of understanding of humanity. I have become bolder, more confident, and yet a bit kinder and more empathetic than I used to be. I have been repaid with the currency of personal growth. Would I really then give that priceless benefit away for revenge?

The thirst for “justice” stems from a sense that I am not considered valuable by others. — There are two sides to this. The first is that this is an easy attitude to project onto others. We notice what we want to notice. If I have doubts about my value, then I’m going to see the evidence that others doubt my value as well — simply because I’m human and I’m hardwired to collect evidence that I’m right in how I see the world. Most people do see me as someone with value.

On the other hand, there probably are people who think that I am less than they are. When I am rational about it, I know that their opinion has no real effect on my personal value. Living by a decent code of ethics, increasing my knowledge, and reaching out to improve people and places that I can makes me valuable regardless of public (or private) opinion.

 

Maybe, as I reprogram my bran, I’ll be able to finally let this old baggage go and embrace the promise of each new day!

Whose Business?

14362cc1b424c7e88690bbbed6d1a1afBoundaries: the Achilles heel of the recovering codependent.

Since I qualify as one of those recovering, it is a topic I revisit from time to time.  A friend’s dilemma when her little sister’s feelings were hurt caused me to think about it again. I think it’s important that we realize that boundaries work both ways.

 

The Gift of Boundaries

I think we often have a tendency to think that boundaries only protect the person trying to enforce them. Boundaries are meant to give us mental and emotional space to work out life on our own terms. Protecting our own boundaries provides us that space.

What I don’t think we realize is how much enforcing our personal boundaries can help the person who seems to have trouble respecting them. Sure, they won’t appreciate it in the moment, and some people will never appreciate being kept out of our personal business. Even so, without the ability to respect the boundaries of others, individuals have crippled relationships. They find themselves being abused, being the abuser, involved in other codependent-style relationships, or similar things. The ability to respect boundaries is the ability to create trust with others.

But what if I know someone who is doing something really wrong or hurtful?

I don’t think we have to turn a blind eye, look away, or shrug our shoulders because it’s not “our circus.” The trick is to identify our own motives and to make sure that our approach is one of offering and not coercing.

Traditional parenting often takes the coercive approach: “I have decided this is bad, I am now telling you why this is bad, and I expect you to toe the line.” I suppose that this approach is occasionally necessary with children, but just typing it out makes me shudder when I think about it being used between friends, spouses, colleagues, etc.!

Depending on the nature of the relationship, we may have the ability to go to someone and seek understanding. In this case, we start with questions that encourage the other person to share their thoughts, and keep asking reflective questions that keep the lines of communication open. We do this with the knowledge that we are not trying to “trick” the other person into changing, but because we care and we want to understand — and let the other person know that we are there for them.

Of course, sometimes, we really have no relationship at all. In that case, we probably have no right to do anything.

What about people who are always telling me what to do?

For me, I have, over time, learned to simply say “thank you” and not encourage any more conversation on the topic, politely explain that this is something I’m not willing to discuss, or deflect the conversation by asking a question that appears related to what is being said but can steer the conversation in another direction.

The problem is that a codependent has been taught to believe that the opinions of others are more valuable than his or her own opinions. Once the “constructive criticism” has been voiced, the damage has been done.

I have found these steps to be helpful:

  1. Recognize that there may be some truth in what the other person was saying, but also remind myself that they do not have all of the information that I have.
  2. Try to think clearly about what was actually said to take away the pieces that are true and use those things to help myself.
  3. Remind myself that I am a capable adult, and that I can make good, solid decisions for myself.

Sometimes, people are so critical that we have to limit their time with us. I posted about that a few weeks ago.

 

If you’ve been reading for a while, you’ve probably figured out that I pretty much reject the idea of finding “cut and dried” answers to life. Even so, I believe that we can trust our judgment, and we can even trust most people to accept that we have good intentions. We can also trust that a sincere apology can heal emotional wounds. We don’t have to be perfect at keeping and respecting boundaries, we just need to try.

Highly Effective People?

Effective-PeopleBecause of my workaholic tendencies, I have been enamored with the idea of being “effective,” “productive,” and “successful” for as long as I can remember. It hasn’t brought the contentment that I once thought it would.

So, when I ran across this phrase in a book title recently, I began to wonder. Did I miss the boat? Is there something about effectiveness that fascinates the highly-driven? Is this just a cultural thing? Is being effective a practice that I should avoid?

What I have experienced so far is that I filled every minute of productivity that I created with something else “important” that “needed” to be done.

 

I decided to check some definitions:

“successful in producing a desired or intended result”

This was the first entry, which means it’s the most commonly used meaning of the word. This is how my workaholism interprets effectiveness. Make things happen. Control events. Produce more than anyone else. This is the definition that has driven me most of my life, but hasn’t produced the things I truly desired.

“fulfilling a specified function in fact, though not formally acknowledged as such”

To me, this definition has possibilities. It calls for self-reflection before action. What is my “function” in life? The more I mature, the more I’m convinced it’s relationships. If I want to leave a legacy, it’s not going to be in my job titles, the size of my bank accounts, or the number of belongings I can accumulate. My legacy is going to be in the difference I made for the good in the lives of the people I touched.

Maybe there’s a chance for me to be an effective person, after all.

“Reject Toxicity”

Arguing

I have to admit that I struggle with people who are toxic to me — setting boundaries is hard for a recovering codependent! My first marriage was marred by emotional abuse, which spilled over into the divorce via our children. The court system in the United States is pretty oblivious to the problem (as long as there hasn’t been physical harm), so I ended up even being legally required to clean up after my ex-husband and put up with his behavior long after I took the kids and left. Given that I had training from significant people to tolerate behavior and love at all costs, I still feel like the court abused me, as well. 

However, my point is the struggle and my musings are on how to overcome it. The past is gone, and only by learning and moving forward can the negative serve a good end.

So, I tend to be open and accepting, which draws people to me who feel like I am very gullible. (I admit it often takes me a little longer to see through the masks and the cons because I genuinely want to like other people, but I do eventually see it.) I also want to be kind and loving to everyone.

 

The scenario then, is this:

A narcissist/psychopath/sociopath/abuser enters my life. Wanting to be friendly, helpful, or just “nice,” I begin to tolerate their presence. Since their behavior at this point isn’t at a level that is hurting or draining me, I go about my daily business. Then, I discover things are escalating on some level — telling my secrets, telling me their secrets and demanding that I be a “secret friend,” calling me names or assaulting my sense of integrity to get me to do things their way.

The dance is starting again.

I believe that, over time, I have gained enough strength to say stop it and mean it. In fact, my most recent encounters have generally ended badly because I have stood up for myself. Of course, then I am left trying to overcome a sense of guilt for not being more understanding and a need to try and “fix” things.

 

As usual, I don’t have any true answers. Toxicity leaves its effects — it’s emotional poison. Perhaps that’s the secret to healing, recognition of things as they really are.

Maybe one day, I will grow to the point that I can be satisfied with knowing I was true to my ideals and values, that I tried, and that I can’t be responsible for problems in another person. I can only be a resource if that person ever seeks to change. Maybe one day I can be strong enough to recognize my right to set loving boundaries and that these boundaries aren’t just for my good, they are for the good of those who struggle with respecting boundaries, as well.