In the Moment

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Before I begin, I want to be sure that it is VERY clear that I love my husband dearly, and that the purpose of this post is NOT to put him down. It’s a chance for me to “model” what I try to do when life lets me down.

The Backstory

In May, I made a major career change that has left me with a lot of uncertainties and insecurites. Lately, things have been coming to a bit of a head, and I find myself having trouble sleeping. My husband and I were talking about it, and he asked how he could help. I have learned enough in my life to know two things:

  1. When a man offers to help, he usually wants to help.
  2. If I’m not specific, he won’t get the message.

It’s just the difference between men and women.

So, I told him that I really could use help cleaning the house and getting some chicken put up that’s been waiting for me to repackage it for a couple of days. There. Clear, concise — exactly what a man needs.

We both knew when he asked this question that he had to work this weekend, but it was a couple of hours before he was going to have to get started. So, I assumed that he was going to buckle down and tear through the house. He moved one load of laundry around, sat down, and watched YouTube until it was time for him to log in from home.

My Reaction

I don’t think it’s dawned on my husband yet — he’s pretty distracted with his work project right now. I’m kind of hurt. I feel like he implied a promise and then broke it.

On the other hand, he works hard (as do I) and we both know that he needs more down time than I do, and that his down time needs to feel like play. (I prefer moving on to another project.)

Fortunately, I recoginized I had a choice, or I would have gone with my kneejerk reaction to cry, raise my voice, and let him know how disappointed and frustrated I am — after all, we had just discussed how stressed out I am, I told him how he could help, and he failed.

Since I didn’t take choice number 1, I have avoided a fight (at least for now).

Future Choices

I would love to say that I know I can keep my mouth shut and let it fester, keep my mouth shut and shrug it off, or talk to him about it when he’s not so busy and distracted — and that I choose to just shrug it off. In the end, it’s not a big deal, and I always seem to get the most important stuff done, anyway. Then, I can observe to see if things really are out of balance in our relationship and in our home duties, and have a rational discussion if it’s needed.

Unfortunately, I prove all the time exactly how human I am. I may not be able to let it go. Because I have been in abusive relationships and because of other experiences in my life, feeling like other people are dumping on me is a BIG DEAL. If I try to “just not say anything,” it may just fester and blow up later.

My Real Choice

Because I want to learn how to shrug the inconsequential stuff off, I’m going to try to let it go. But, being aware of my weaknesses, I’m going to monitor myself. If it turns out I can’t let it go, then I will talk to him later this evening or sometime tomorrow when it’s more appropriate so that we’re both aware of what’s been bopping around inside my head.

Because I’ve married an amazing man, I expect that if I approach him with some respect, I’ll receive respect in return, and we’ll work things out.

No, it won’t be the end of all of our problems and glitches in our marriage. But, it will still be a great marriage. In fact, one of the best indicators of a good marriage is the maturity level of both spouses. Total lack of conflict is a danger sign.